Today I did a terrible thing.
I started the day by attempting to do a nice thing: making breakfast for my kids. I scrambled the eggs and toasted the toast. I set the table and grabbed some drinks. As I set the plate down, I hear the shriek: "Ew, yuck! I didn't want scrambled eggs." I tell myself to remain calm and don't get irked, after all, the baby will gobble them up and then subsequently throw her plate on the floor. That is surely a better experience than listening to complaining, no?
I remained as calm as possible and simply said: "You could say thanks for breakfast". This was mistake #1 that lead to the terrible thing I did. By forgoing my right to lecture a bit, I let the rude remark sit and fester until I could inappropriately blow up at an innapropriate time.
We eat breakfast. Everyone finishes relatively unscathed. And Oh yes, the baby did throw her plate on the floor after she inhaled every bite of her eggs.
I get up from the table and realize that I didn't make my son a lunch. I told him that he would be having hot lunch since there was no time to make one. His response: he didn't have any money in his lunch account. This is the point where the egg remark and no lunch money collide. I guess they more imploded in me, because I began to question my son why he had no money in his lunch account when I filled it just a few weeks ago and had only given him hot lunch a few times and surely not worth the amount I had filled. I immediately think his Dad has given him hot lunch every time he's been with him.
Statements and accusations start flying out of my mouth like: "I'm sick of you using all of the lunch money I give you when you're at your Dad's" and "I'm tired of your Dad never filling up your lunch account" and wait for it..."You need to tell your Father to refill your lunch account, the next time he wants you to have hot lunch."
Brilliant! I just committed the cardinal sin(s) of co-parenting. I have just placed my son in the middle of an issue that is really between his Father and I and I placed undue blame on my son. All these years of co-parenting and I have sincerely tried not to place my son in the middle or unjustly blame him. I have not only tried, I have actually taken pride in the fact that I (alright usually) don't do this.
I know that in the moment, what is easier isn't usually right. I don't always feign rationality in the moment either. I will usually respond to my emotions. Which is why, sometimes, I make the mistake of putting my son in the middle of what are really my issues.
Then I go to the dark place: self-deprecating thoughts, shame filled rants and raves. I forget about the tools I've spent so many years sharpening, so that I can use them and shine in these inglorious moments. Then after the bad thoughts and the heat of anger subside, then can I think clearly.
And this is what I conclude, starting right now, I'm back on the bandwagon. I'm making a promise to myself that I will not put my son in the middle or blame him when I'm mad at his Father. I'm also making another promise: that I will go a bit easier on myself when I fall off the bandwagon. I will apologize to my son and actually speak to him. Then I will apologize to myself and keep faith that next time, in the hard moments, I will be able take a step back and see a little more clearly.
