I've been wondering lately, actually I think about it often: just who are we if we aren't raising kids? Would I be a renowned yogi, volunteer my time at the local woman's shelter or cook my way through all of the bon appetit recipes in every month's magazine? Its so easy to forget post kids what you were like before them. It's difficult to imagine what it will be like when they leave home. Because let's face it, the truth, the bare we don't want to face it naked truth is: raising our children is not the end all and be all of our lives. Raising children is a huge part of our lives and the most important, but just for now. Let's not forget that we were once childless and someday to a certain extent, we will be again.
Then who we will be? Did we keep enough of ourselves to evolve and thrive? I've seen so many parents, in particular of my parent's generation who didn't keep enough of themselves. Then it can be a bit ugly, they are generally the stage 5 clinging parents who can't cut the apron strings. You know the ones who need to stay so involved, that they believe they can still make their adult child's decisions for them. Kris Kardashian anyone? or those parent who go off the deep end and revive their youth. You know what I'm talking about: those 50 and 60 somethings you see in the club trying to act like 20 somethings. It's just not attractive.
Then there are some parents that have acheived some sort of balance between self and caring for their children. Those parents that are still feel and act whole and complete once their children fly the nest. Those parents that don't only live just through their children but also for their self. How do these parents do it? The only idea I have and have practiced thus far is to take time for myself. I don't mean take an extra long bath or make time to exercise just because that's what you probably should be doing for self care anyway. I'm talking about really taking some time and often, to pursue a passion or a dream. What did you really want to do as an adult? What would you do with free time? What do you want to do when your children have flown the nest? In your wildest dreams what would you do with your time, without children?
I'm not suggesting drastic life changes here, I'm encouraging you to take a few moments each day or a few minutes every few days or an hour a week to indulge and develop yourself. I know that us co-parents can tend to have a bit more free time to spend on ourselves and this is all the more reason to get to know ourselves. So that, when your ex has the kids for the weekend, you know what to do with yourself.
What I'm really talking about here is the concept of YOU time. Set aside some YOU time as often as you can. Again, this is time to pursue your passions. Whatever those passions may be. For me, this passion is writing and I hope to continue with it, so I might have an idea what to do with mysellf someday when I have an empty nest that really, truly is not empty.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
You are Perfect to Me
Change those voices, in your head, make them like you instead... Pink
This post isn't really about co-parenting but it is about parenting and my parenting, so they are intertwined and I feel compelled to write about this idea of attempting to be a perfect parent.
I know you've probably read about this before, but I didn't learn the lesson the last ten times I read it, so I think it is always helpful to reiterate.
I was talking with a good friend today. She is a single Mom with two school age children and... she recently broke her arm. Now this friend is a strong, spectacular woman like all of my friends, naturally! She is able to hold down a full time professional gig, participate in many committees at work, volunteer actively in her church and raise her two children, virtually alone. Phew, I'm tired just writing that sentence!
Anyways, we were talking and she was lamenting that she is acting as an unfit Mother because her arm is broken and she is unable to do everything she normally does for the kids. I'm listening as she is degrading herself for feeding the kids fast food and making them do their own laundry. And I begin to wonder, why do we think we need to be perfect parents? Why do we set impossible parenting standards for ourselves, even when we can't perform at 100%? I know we all love our kids and want to give them everything, but where is the balance? When is it ok to tell ourselves that we're ok parents and we're doing the best we can. Instead of listening to the voice inside our head that tells us we're not doing enough or well enough.
What is it that inside of us telling us we're not good enough parents? One word: Ego. Yes, we are too egotistical to remind ourselves everyday that we are doing the best we can. Offended yet? Don't worry, because I am. When we try and tell ourselves that we have to parent perfectly then we're really just feeding our inner ego and letting it take control.
Remember back in Psych 101 when your professor talked about Freud and the super ego? Well, Freud might have just been on to something there. That nasty voice in your head telling your your not doing enough, well enough, or you just did that wrong is your ego. Entertaining those thoughts is just feeding your ego and perpetuating your quest for parenting perfection.This is not an psychological analysis of perfection, it's just simply what I've found to be true in my own endeavors with attempting perfection. We're not really our egos, we're much more than that. So why should we let it run our life and bring us down, if even only for a moment?
The next time I find myself listening to that voice that tells me I should be a perfect parent, I'm going to try and squelch it. I will try to pay attention to my true thoughts and keep my heart open. I'm going to remind myself that I try my best to be a good parent to my kids. And that being imperfect is good enough for me.
This post isn't really about co-parenting but it is about parenting and my parenting, so they are intertwined and I feel compelled to write about this idea of attempting to be a perfect parent.
I know you've probably read about this before, but I didn't learn the lesson the last ten times I read it, so I think it is always helpful to reiterate.
I was talking with a good friend today. She is a single Mom with two school age children and... she recently broke her arm. Now this friend is a strong, spectacular woman like all of my friends, naturally! She is able to hold down a full time professional gig, participate in many committees at work, volunteer actively in her church and raise her two children, virtually alone. Phew, I'm tired just writing that sentence!
Anyways, we were talking and she was lamenting that she is acting as an unfit Mother because her arm is broken and she is unable to do everything she normally does for the kids. I'm listening as she is degrading herself for feeding the kids fast food and making them do their own laundry. And I begin to wonder, why do we think we need to be perfect parents? Why do we set impossible parenting standards for ourselves, even when we can't perform at 100%? I know we all love our kids and want to give them everything, but where is the balance? When is it ok to tell ourselves that we're ok parents and we're doing the best we can. Instead of listening to the voice inside our head that tells us we're not doing enough or well enough.
What is it that inside of us telling us we're not good enough parents? One word: Ego. Yes, we are too egotistical to remind ourselves everyday that we are doing the best we can. Offended yet? Don't worry, because I am. When we try and tell ourselves that we have to parent perfectly then we're really just feeding our inner ego and letting it take control.
Remember back in Psych 101 when your professor talked about Freud and the super ego? Well, Freud might have just been on to something there. That nasty voice in your head telling your your not doing enough, well enough, or you just did that wrong is your ego. Entertaining those thoughts is just feeding your ego and perpetuating your quest for parenting perfection.This is not an psychological analysis of perfection, it's just simply what I've found to be true in my own endeavors with attempting perfection. We're not really our egos, we're much more than that. So why should we let it run our life and bring us down, if even only for a moment?
The next time I find myself listening to that voice that tells me I should be a perfect parent, I'm going to try and squelch it. I will try to pay attention to my true thoughts and keep my heart open. I'm going to remind myself that I try my best to be a good parent to my kids. And that being imperfect is good enough for me.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Confessions of a Mad Mother: Hard Moments
Today I did a terrible thing.
I started the day by attempting to do a nice thing: making breakfast for my kids. I scrambled the eggs and toasted the toast. I set the table and grabbed some drinks. As I set the plate down, I hear the shriek: "Ew, yuck! I didn't want scrambled eggs." I tell myself to remain calm and don't get irked, after all, the baby will gobble them up and then subsequently throw her plate on the floor. That is surely a better experience than listening to complaining, no?
I remained as calm as possible and simply said: "You could say thanks for breakfast". This was mistake #1 that lead to the terrible thing I did. By forgoing my right to lecture a bit, I let the rude remark sit and fester until I could inappropriately blow up at an innapropriate time.
We eat breakfast. Everyone finishes relatively unscathed. And Oh yes, the baby did throw her plate on the floor after she inhaled every bite of her eggs.
I get up from the table and realize that I didn't make my son a lunch. I told him that he would be having hot lunch since there was no time to make one. His response: he didn't have any money in his lunch account. This is the point where the egg remark and no lunch money collide. I guess they more imploded in me, because I began to question my son why he had no money in his lunch account when I filled it just a few weeks ago and had only given him hot lunch a few times and surely not worth the amount I had filled. I immediately think his Dad has given him hot lunch every time he's been with him.
Statements and accusations start flying out of my mouth like: "I'm sick of you using all of the lunch money I give you when you're at your Dad's" and "I'm tired of your Dad never filling up your lunch account" and wait for it..."You need to tell your Father to refill your lunch account, the next time he wants you to have hot lunch."
Brilliant! I just committed the cardinal sin(s) of co-parenting. I have just placed my son in the middle of an issue that is really between his Father and I and I placed undue blame on my son. All these years of co-parenting and I have sincerely tried not to place my son in the middle or unjustly blame him. I have not only tried, I have actually taken pride in the fact that I (alright usually) don't do this.
I know that in the moment, what is easier isn't usually right. I don't always feign rationality in the moment either. I will usually respond to my emotions. Which is why, sometimes, I make the mistake of putting my son in the middle of what are really my issues.
Then I go to the dark place: self-deprecating thoughts, shame filled rants and raves. I forget about the tools I've spent so many years sharpening, so that I can use them and shine in these inglorious moments. Then after the bad thoughts and the heat of anger subside, then can I think clearly.
And this is what I conclude, starting right now, I'm back on the bandwagon. I'm making a promise to myself that I will not put my son in the middle or blame him when I'm mad at his Father. I'm also making another promise: that I will go a bit easier on myself when I fall off the bandwagon. I will apologize to my son and actually speak to him. Then I will apologize to myself and keep faith that next time, in the hard moments, I will be able take a step back and see a little more clearly.
I started the day by attempting to do a nice thing: making breakfast for my kids. I scrambled the eggs and toasted the toast. I set the table and grabbed some drinks. As I set the plate down, I hear the shriek: "Ew, yuck! I didn't want scrambled eggs." I tell myself to remain calm and don't get irked, after all, the baby will gobble them up and then subsequently throw her plate on the floor. That is surely a better experience than listening to complaining, no?
I remained as calm as possible and simply said: "You could say thanks for breakfast". This was mistake #1 that lead to the terrible thing I did. By forgoing my right to lecture a bit, I let the rude remark sit and fester until I could inappropriately blow up at an innapropriate time.
We eat breakfast. Everyone finishes relatively unscathed. And Oh yes, the baby did throw her plate on the floor after she inhaled every bite of her eggs.
I get up from the table and realize that I didn't make my son a lunch. I told him that he would be having hot lunch since there was no time to make one. His response: he didn't have any money in his lunch account. This is the point where the egg remark and no lunch money collide. I guess they more imploded in me, because I began to question my son why he had no money in his lunch account when I filled it just a few weeks ago and had only given him hot lunch a few times and surely not worth the amount I had filled. I immediately think his Dad has given him hot lunch every time he's been with him.
Statements and accusations start flying out of my mouth like: "I'm sick of you using all of the lunch money I give you when you're at your Dad's" and "I'm tired of your Dad never filling up your lunch account" and wait for it..."You need to tell your Father to refill your lunch account, the next time he wants you to have hot lunch."
Brilliant! I just committed the cardinal sin(s) of co-parenting. I have just placed my son in the middle of an issue that is really between his Father and I and I placed undue blame on my son. All these years of co-parenting and I have sincerely tried not to place my son in the middle or unjustly blame him. I have not only tried, I have actually taken pride in the fact that I (alright usually) don't do this.
I know that in the moment, what is easier isn't usually right. I don't always feign rationality in the moment either. I will usually respond to my emotions. Which is why, sometimes, I make the mistake of putting my son in the middle of what are really my issues.
Then I go to the dark place: self-deprecating thoughts, shame filled rants and raves. I forget about the tools I've spent so many years sharpening, so that I can use them and shine in these inglorious moments. Then after the bad thoughts and the heat of anger subside, then can I think clearly.
And this is what I conclude, starting right now, I'm back on the bandwagon. I'm making a promise to myself that I will not put my son in the middle or blame him when I'm mad at his Father. I'm also making another promise: that I will go a bit easier on myself when I fall off the bandwagon. I will apologize to my son and actually speak to him. Then I will apologize to myself and keep faith that next time, in the hard moments, I will be able take a step back and see a little more clearly.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Partners in this Crime
7 years ago, I was alone in a dark tunnel with no way out. Sometimes, I wasn't even sure how I got there. I most assuredly, had no idea was was happening to me. I was otherwise known as going through a divorce. I now know that there is indeed (excuse the cliche) a light at the end of the tunnel.
For me, that light comes in the form of my son. And this blog is dedicated to him and my Ex (yes, my partner in this crime) for without we wouldn't be in this wondrous mess together aka co-parenting.
Why a blog about co-parenting?
Why not? Isn't there a blog about everything? Seriously, I've learned that co-parenting is very challenging under the best of circumstances. The best scenario would be that both parents amicably divorce and never, ever squabble over raising their child(ren) together. But the truth is that most parents fall somewhere in the spectrum of only caring about their own divorce and the former.
I've been searching for a blog or site where someone is sharing their own co-parenting experiences and advice on this challenging life situation. I've seen advice from all maner of non-profits on co-parenting, much of which is solid. I will feel free to tout some of their material.
I have yet to find co-parenting blogs that really address co-parenting issues: scheduling, visitation, different sets of rules at each home, different parenting styles, etc. I think it's time to freely talk about and express the challenges of co-parenting.
I would also like to show some courage while writing this blog. Courage to express my perspective on this roller coaster ride of an experience.Courage to not ever, ever write poorly of my Ex. Courage to rise above all of the BS of a divorce, bitter tastes in my mouth and to honor my son and his Father. Because we are all in this together, for one reason- the kid!
For me, that light comes in the form of my son. And this blog is dedicated to him and my Ex (yes, my partner in this crime) for without we wouldn't be in this wondrous mess together aka co-parenting.
Why a blog about co-parenting?
Why not? Isn't there a blog about everything? Seriously, I've learned that co-parenting is very challenging under the best of circumstances. The best scenario would be that both parents amicably divorce and never, ever squabble over raising their child(ren) together. But the truth is that most parents fall somewhere in the spectrum of only caring about their own divorce and the former.
I've been searching for a blog or site where someone is sharing their own co-parenting experiences and advice on this challenging life situation. I've seen advice from all maner of non-profits on co-parenting, much of which is solid. I will feel free to tout some of their material.
I have yet to find co-parenting blogs that really address co-parenting issues: scheduling, visitation, different sets of rules at each home, different parenting styles, etc. I think it's time to freely talk about and express the challenges of co-parenting.
I would also like to show some courage while writing this blog. Courage to express my perspective on this roller coaster ride of an experience.Courage to not ever, ever write poorly of my Ex. Courage to rise above all of the BS of a divorce, bitter tastes in my mouth and to honor my son and his Father. Because we are all in this together, for one reason- the kid!
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